


Forever ends today

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, F/M, Gun Violence, Mental Breakdown, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24306325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: This is my version of Joker being backstage at the Murray Franklin show/Make up room.Jokers point of view.Disclaimer: Mentions of trauma, abuse and suicide
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	Forever ends today

Put on a happy face.  
Its all lies.  
The big, red letters I just wrote on the mirror.  
The same red that decorates the corner of my lips with a crisp smirk.  
Lies.  
There is no smile underneath.  
I used the same lipstick for the lie on the mirror than I used for the lie on my face.  
Nothing is real anymore.  
I always thought I was the one making up stories.   
My hallucinations. Daydreams. All the things I wished to be true.  
But it turned out to be even worse. The things that I was told were true....  
It was even bigger lies than the ones I told myself.  
My mum. My dad. My childhood. My condition.   
Its all a big lie. Or should I say joke.  
And I´m the punshline to that joke.  
I am the part everyone laughes at.  
I represent the end of the joke everyone was waiting for.  
I am the end.  
The end of suffering. Of pain.  
I am the one who will end it.  
And it will end today.  
Sitting backstage at the Murray Franklin show, waiting for my name to be called was a life long dream of mine. I used to fantasize about being on the show for as long as I can remember. I started watching the show when I was younger and there was something about Murray that made me feel save. Watching him making people laugh was always so special to me. He was very funny. The way I always wanted to be. He wasnt just an idol but the father I never had. Penny always told me that my father went out for cigatettes as I was a litle kid and never came back. More lies. She always knew who my father was and she never told me. She let me watch Thomas Wayne on TV and the newspapers, she even wrote letters to him, talked about him every single day, without ever telling me the truth.   
Maybe Murray would have never been my father figure in the first place, if I had known about Thomas. Who knows....  
In my head Murray was like a dad to me. Even though I never met him. Watching him on the screen while sitting on the bed with my mum made me feel like I had a family. It feels like I already know him. And he will actually come through that door in some minutes. I dont know how I will react if he stands right in front of me. I really dont. I feel connected to him. But at the same time he hurt me more than I could ever tell. Watching my idol,the man I looked up to all my life, my father figure making fun of me live on my favorite show broke my heart. I thought you cant break a heart that its already broken. But Murray really did. He shattered the pieces that were left. I know he didnt invited me because he thought I was funny. He invited me to make fun of me.  
Being at the Murray Franklin show turned out to be way different than I always dreamed of. The day that fulllfills my life long dream will be my last day ever. Isnt it funny? Isnt it a great joke? A great way to go? With a big smile on your face? Oh I wanna go with a big SMILE on my lips.I will still smile after I pulled the trigger. Even after they brought my body out of the studio.   
THE JOKER will still be smiling. Because he is happier now and the joke is on YOU.  
I watch the news on the screen in the make up room. The officers got hurt during the riots. Old news, I saw it with my own eyes. But somehow seeing it on the screen makes it even more real than reality.  
The riots are still going on. Did I do this? I never intented something like that. I would have never thought of some kinda movement. But I`m to blame...and people got actually hurt....The officers deserved it though. They gave Penny a stroke. Still....its all overwhelming. I take a look at what time it is.   
SOON.  
Soon I will be gone.  
I will die at the Murray Franklin show.  
I felt great when I practiced this at home. I felt like it was the right thing to do. I precticed my body language. If I should cross my legs or not. What to say and everything. I got my joke book with me. Everything is so perfectly planned. Yet something feels wrong. Being here in this building ....everything feels different from being at home.   
I will kill myself tonight and no one ever loved me while I was still alive.  
No one ever cared.  
No one ever looked or listened.  
So I have to make them listen NOW.  
I will make them listen live on tv right before the big punshline will be told.  
Maybe they will remember the Joker.  
I hope so.  
At least Murray should remember the one who could have been the son he never had.  
Being remembered by Murray would be the best outcome possible.  
I guess I will never know.   
But its stil a nice thing to think of.  
And if killing myelf is the only way to make them listen, I will.  
Maybe they will laugh at first, because they think its all fake.  
So I could make them laugh AND listen.  
Perfect. Just perfect.  
I feel my eyes watering while I take a smoke.   
I guess I am actually crying.  
I can finally cry now.  
I never allowed Arthur to cry. I always forced him to laugh if he felt like tearing up. There is comedy in tragedy, but he just couldnt see it. So I tried to show him. But he wouldnt listen.   
And now its the other way around. I wanna laugh at the fact that this is the final joke. But Arthur is there watching me. Like I used to watch him. And he won`t let me laugh right now. He is crying. Its Arthurs tears running down my face. And I feel them. I feel them deep inside.  
Suddenly the door opens and it feels like my heart just jumped out of my chest.  
Its him. The man I always looked up to. He was the reason I wanted to become a comedian. Along with Chaplin. he was the one I turned to when I had a bad day. Even when it was just on the screen. It felt real. It felt like he was there with me. How many times did I daydreamed about him telling me that I am funny and a good guy. How many times did I imagin that he was hugging me like a son?  
Now that he was coming through that door I felt that fear....the fear of being disappointed by him. Especially after when he said about me on his show. Maybe it was just a really bad joke? Maybe he actually thinks I`m funny. Him coming through that door makes me hope again, that he might see the good guy in me. The great comedian. The lost son.   
He walks up towards me "Murray" I hear my own voice say. His name is the only word I manage to bring out right now. Its too overwhelming to see him in person. He shakes my hand. What a special moment. I feel like Arthur really wants to cry right now. Not sure if happy tears or tears of pain because he knows it all ends here.  
"Its Mr. Franklin!" the other guy says, giving me a look. Of course. I called him Murray like we were old friends or something. I shouldnt have done that. But it feels like I always had him around. I have to remind myself that I am actually a stranger to him. This is hard. It hurts. It hurts so much. None of my daydreams were real. Mr Franklin... right. He doesnt know me. He never hugged me. To him I am just a clown. Literally. A bad comedian. But maybe he would still give me a hug? This would mean the world to me. Seems like the handshake was all though. Sad. Very sad.   
I must look shocked.  
"C`mon Gene, thats all bullshit" Murray replies. Maybe there is still hope. "Thank you MUrray. I feel like I know you. i`ve been watching you forever". He has to know that he means something to me. Maybe not the whole story but at least a little bit of it. He just needs to know. I feel kida desperate as he says "Thank you" like it means nothing to him. Like he have heard that a thousand times before. I am just a fan. A face in the crowd. I dont mean anything to him. I`m just a joke.  
But one you won`t forget, Murray. You will see.  
"Whats with the face?" he asks me. The other guy still giving me a dirty look. "I mean, are you part of the protest, or...?"  
"No....No I dont belive in any of that....I dont belive in anything.  
I have to laugh as he askes me that. Did he really thougt that I am part of that? Thats proof that he really does not know me. Makes me even sadder but I´ll laugh anyway. He makes a long face as I tell him that I dont belive in anything. I disappointed him right away.  
But its true...there is nothing left to belive in. Everything I ever belived in turned out to be lies.   
"I just thought it`d be good for my act".  
"For your act? Disnt you heard what happened on the subway? Some clown got killed?" Gene said with an angry undertone.  
"He`s aware of that, he`s aware of tat yeah" Murray replied.  
I smile at Murray "No I hadn`t heard"......  
Right. I have not only heard I WAS THERE. Not a lie when you look at it that way, right?  
"Yeah....." Murray looks confused.   
I cant deny that our first meeting is kinda awkward.  
Gene turns to Murray "You see this is what I am telling you. The audience is gonna go crazy if you put this guy on. Maybe for a bit not a whole segment".  
I look down to the ground to hold my eyes back from watering, holding that smile.  
My plan may not work out if they only let me talk for some minutes. I have to make myself clear before I kill myself. This Gene guy really wants to ruin my plans.   
"Gene its gonna work. Its gonna work. We`re gonna go with it!"  
Murray, I just knew that there was a spark of hope tat he might like me. He WANTS me to be on his show for longer. I laugh. I even feel like its a real laugh. Somehow I feel it.... pats of me do. He laughs,too. We`re laughing together. It almost feels like a father/son moment. Its wonderful. What a great day to go. Not as lonely as I thought it might be. Still a change for one last hug.  
"Thank you, Murray"  
Gene looks annoyed as Murray talks to me "A couple of rules though. No cursinf. No off color material. We`ll do a clean show."  
"Mhhh hhhmm" I nodd at him, asking myself if he sees how much I admire him?  
"Okay? You`ll go on right after Dr Sally"  
My smile grows bigger "I love Dr Sally"  
I really do. I used to watch Doctor Sally when Penny was already asleep. I wanted to learn something about sexual relationships, because I never had any experiences. I was curious about it though. And Dr Sally was a very smart lady. Her show made me even more curious about having a girlfriend and being loved by someone. Metally and physically. It was great that I would get the chance to sit right between her and Murray. It kinda hurt me that Dr Sally had to watch me shooting myself though. I hope she will get over it.  
"Good, good, good....Someone will come and get you"  
"Perfect"  
"Good luck!"  
"Thanks Murray...."  
As they turn around and are about to close the door I get flashbacks from him making fun of me again. Check out this Joker. Why did he do that? He seemed to be so nice right now. Is it all an act? Is he serious about wanting me on his show? Will he make fun of me again?  
"Um Murray...one small thing...."  
"Yeah?"  
I feel myself changing. My posture. The way I talk. Its time.  
"When you bring me out....can you intruduce me as Joker?"  
"Whats wrong with your real name?"Gene asks as Murrays eyes switch from him to me .  
"Thats what you called me on the show...a Joker. Do you remember?"  
Does he? Does he remember? I bet he does. He made fun of me in front of the whole country. Live on tv. Playing my video. The one at Pogos when I was laughing so hard from pain, trying to get my jokes right...Almost choking...He said I should have listened to my mother. I will never forget his words.   
But forever ends today.  
"Did `?" he looks at Gene.  
"I dont know" Gene replies.  
"Well if you say so kid Joker it is, its good!"  
"Thanks Murray"  
He noods and leaves the room.  
I realize that he doesnt even remember mocking me.  
Thats how unimportant I am to him really.  
I mean nothing.  
He doesnt even remember the name he gave me.  
Thats even worse than being bullied by him.  
I look into the mirror and do my little dance.  
Put on a happy face.  
The letters laugh at me, shifting, shaping, doing their own little dances on the mirror.  
Red lipstick vibrating in front of my eyes.  
Inside of my eyelids.  
Well.... my plan became even more important now.  
He will remember me after today.  
He will remember the Joker for the rest of his life.  
Thats right Murray...you won`t forget me.  
I sit down at the chair and lean back.  
A gun click.  
I press the cold surface of the gun against my throath.  
The only touch I can get.  
Is this the perfect position?  
It is.  
This is how it should feel like.  
Murrays voice will be the last thing I hear.  
Should I die with eyes closed?  
Or open?  
I guess open.  
Yeah I will die with eyes wide open and a big smile on my face.

The music starts playing in my head.  
The same piece I have heard after I killed those three guys.  
Coincidence?  
I guess not.  
Maybe there are still a few things I belive in.

A few minutes later I find myself behind the curtain. I can see Murray and Dr Sally on the screen. I will be up there soon. They`re making jokes about sexuality. I never get them. Usually I try to fake a laugh but I cant do it right now. my eyes are focused on the monitor as I hear Murray say "You gotta see our next guest. I`m pretty sure this guy could use a doctor".  
"Does he have sexual problems?"  
"Oh he looks like he`s got a lot of problems" Murray jokes.  
Alright....seems like Dr Sally is making fun of me,too. But I will not get mad at her. She doesnt know who I am. She just goes with Murrays joke. Murray isnt as funny as I thoight he was. His jokes are pretty bad actually. At least today. Or maybe its just my misfortune.  
Do I have sexual problems? Funny that you mention it. Do you think being sexually abused as a three year old counts? Does it count that being raped was the only sexual experience I ever had up until now at the age of 35? Does it count that my meds won`t let me jack off when I feel like it? Oh Dr Sally.... there is A LOT I could tell you about. I would be a handful being your patient. But I´m sure you would still like me.  
I stand there, the lights coming from the ceiling make everything look blue.  
Blue like my thoughts.  
I smoke my last cigarette.  
The very last. Inhaling the smoke one last time.  
"Alright Bobby, lets show that clip one last time"  
Murray knows its the last time. He knows something.  
Maybe I`m just paranoid.  
I see myself on the screen.  
Its me but at the same time its not.  
I hear myself laughing hard. Crying actually. Trying to make people happy with the jokes I practiced so many times at home. But all they do is laugh AT me. Its not my jokes that are funny. Its me. I am the joke to them. I always was. Back in scool. And before. There are so many emotions inside of me as I see myself struggeling on the screen, realizing that Murray remembers the clip. He knew. And he is doing it again. He was only acting friendly backstage. he still bullies me just like everyone did all my life. He is just like the bullies back in scool. My idol. The man I choose as my father. He hates me. Just like my real father. They all want to see me dead.  
That wish should be granted.  
I feel so much pain, I actually feel nothing. The numbness sets in and my mind clicks.  
The music sets in.  
I feel again.  
But only melodies.  
Only vibes.  
All I feel is the music.  
Tragically beautiful.  
Its floathing althrough my body as I stand behind the curtain, starting to give in to the music.  
I cant even hear my own voice coming from the monitor anymore.  
"I hated scool as a kid...."   
Its all gone.  
Nothing of this matters anymore.  
There is only the music and my body floathing with it.  
Everything disappears for a brief moment.  
I feel myself.  
Arthur. Joker.One mind. One body moving, sifting and shaping into something new.  
Reborn and ready to die.  
This is the final dance.  
My bow.  
My goodbye to life.  
Murrays voice wakes me from my delirium.  
"So please welcome...JOKER!"  
His voice hits me in the heart.  
I`m not as numb as I thought.  
Some pain lasts forever.  
But forever ends today.


End file.
